For me. For you. For....

"Na, pernah tak rasa menyesal menghilang macam tu je dengan dia?"
"tipu...setiap hari rasa bersalah, rasa tak sepatutnya buat macam tu"
"then, why?"
"pernah tak rasa insecure petala gaban...sampai rasa imperfect gila, rasa sangat sangat... I don't know how to describe it"
"coward much then"
"you're not the first person to say that"
"why??"

##

one day, I come across with one quote : learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you

sebelum fasa tinggal tanpa sebarang kata, banyak fasa yang buat rasa diri tak cukup self-love . Ma meninggal. Pa sakit. Adik-beradik macam hilang punca, tempat mengadu. Bidan terjun menjadi pengantara pa dan adik-beradik. Bad time management. Emosi berterabur. Unable to show how much I care, though most of the time, beside family, your name is the only one that has been a constant reminder , strength for me to keep on moving.

Sampai satu masa, I don't think I deserve someone like you at all. Too much insecurities haunted me since then. Walaupun sebenarnya, dari awal perkenalan terasa imperfect sungguh.

If you're reading this, just hope you know that, I'm regret it. For walk away when you need me. For walk away without any say, or word at all.

It just, maybe it's true that I'm coward. I need to learn to love myself. Bila fikir balik, too insecure due to several factor like my own self rasa tak layak. sampai satu tahap rasa "eh, budak ni memain je kot. Siapa je nak dengan aku ni", "maybe, he got someone who love him more than me", "He got face, young. I don't deserve him so much" .

Too insecure sampai rasa I'm so dependent on you. It's like... if you happy, I'm happy. like you're the parameter of my life. I need to be myself before I can let you in. Sebab rasa macam kebergantungan kepada awak sesuatu yang tak sihat. What if you met someone else? What if one day you realize that I'm not so special for you to keep? Yes, negative thoughts.

Then, we hardly communicate in the past year. Nothing to share much. It's like we're forced to hold on to the relationship. Perhaps, I just wish that you able to be more successful than I am . I just wish that I'm not the reason you hold back. Because I believe that you're meant to be more free than having me, who dont have special talent whatsoever to hold you back.

If, you're reading this. Just for you to know, I wish the best of you. Because I'm trying to be the best of me. Despite of rough journey in the past months. but, I think, I learn to be more selfish, more independent. Hopefully, I'm not the reason for you to break down.

#thankyouALforthe3years
#wish