For me. For you. For....

"Na, pernah tak rasa menyesal menghilang macam tu je dengan dia?"
"tipu...setiap hari rasa bersalah, rasa tak sepatutnya buat macam tu"
"then, why?"
"pernah tak rasa insecure petala gaban...sampai rasa imperfect gila, rasa sangat sangat... I don't know how to describe it"
"coward much then"
"you're not the first person to say that"
"why??"

##

one day, I come across with one quote : learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you

sebelum fasa tinggal tanpa sebarang kata, banyak fasa yang buat rasa diri tak cukup self-love . Ma meninggal. Pa sakit. Adik-beradik macam hilang punca, tempat mengadu. Bidan terjun menjadi pengantara pa dan adik-beradik. Bad time management. Emosi berterabur. Unable to show how much I care, though most of the time, beside family, your name is the only one that has been a constant reminder , strength for me to keep on moving.

Sampai satu masa, I don't think I deserve someone like you at all. Too much insecurities haunted me since then. Walaupun sebenarnya, dari awal perkenalan terasa imperfect sungguh.

If you're reading this, just hope you know that, I'm regret it. For walk away when you need me. For walk away without any say, or word at all.

It just, maybe it's true that I'm coward. I need to learn to love myself. Bila fikir balik, too insecure due to several factor like my own self rasa tak layak. sampai satu tahap rasa "eh, budak ni memain je kot. Siapa je nak dengan aku ni", "maybe, he got someone who love him more than me", "He got face, young. I don't deserve him so much" .

Too insecure sampai rasa I'm so dependent on you. It's like... if you happy, I'm happy. like you're the parameter of my life. I need to be myself before I can let you in. Sebab rasa macam kebergantungan kepada awak sesuatu yang tak sihat. What if you met someone else? What if one day you realize that I'm not so special for you to keep? Yes, negative thoughts.

Then, we hardly communicate in the past year. Nothing to share much. It's like we're forced to hold on to the relationship. Perhaps, I just wish that you able to be more successful than I am . I just wish that I'm not the reason you hold back. Because I believe that you're meant to be more free than having me, who dont have special talent whatsoever to hold you back.

If, you're reading this. Just for you to know, I wish the best of you. Because I'm trying to be the best of me. Despite of rough journey in the past months. but, I think, I learn to be more selfish, more independent. Hopefully, I'm not the reason for you to break down.

#thankyouALforthe3years
#wish

new

In the past two week...

I got

1- a new family member
 ( boy)

2- new hobby which is

as for no 2, got my own recipe book for future reference 🤣🤣🤣

and...

still, unemployed and searching for the new job.

next level

PAC

- still tanam anggur

done my best

alhamdulillah...

already fone my best for UKJK PTD 2019.

first time undergo this kind of test...

for me, based on my preparation yang tak seberapa tu... plus dengan badan baru sihat demam, selsema, migrain... result yang dicapai hari ni okay lah... tapi still, tak memuaskan juga. tak capai target yang ditetapkan oleh SPA.


maybe ada peluang lain.

current and up coming

current
- unemployment

up coming..
- test for future job, insyaAllah.. for now, preparing myself for it

"anak kamu ye?"

alkisah raya...

Raya pertama :

pergi rumah pak mentua abang no 4..
"kamu ni dah kahwin ke?"
"taklah... kenapa, cik?
" ni anak siapa? "
" anak saudara. anak abang sulung"
"ingatkan anak kamu"


raya ketiga:
melawat rumah pak saudara pa.. falam bertandang tu, ada juga paklong dgn maklong dari johor sampai rumah tu... beraya juga..

"anak siapa ni?" - tanya anak maklong
"ni anak ana la ni.." - jawab mak long
"ehh... bukan. ni anak ayong la, maklong"
"laa... ye ke. ingat anak kamu. dia ikut muka kamu"

raya keempat

"bila kamu kahwinnya? idok jemput maksu pun"
"hah?"
"ye la... tau dah ada anak"
"haha... ini anak ayong la, maksu... ayong nak makan, ana pegang la."
"tapi orang lain pegang, dia taknak... nak dengan kamu je"
"sebab selalu video call dgn tok, acik ana dia ada sekali. tu yang dia okay je"
"tak, dia suruh acik dia kahwin cepat. boleh dia ada kawan"
"haha... bg hok no 2 dgn 3 dulu lepas... lagipun siapa nak dengan ana ni, maksu... banyak kurang."
*mak su terus peluk*


###

den perhatikan... anak saudara  banyaknya lagi suka mengempeng dengan den berbanding dengan yang lain. mungkkn sebab acik depa ni selalu manjakan.. ke sebab acik depa ni pathetic much sampai dorang pun kesian...

whatever it is... the poll of fav person beside mom, dad & tok opah among my nephew/niece... me is the first one... so, yeaaaahhh.. 😘😘😘😘

the longest

I have met people who fall in love within a seconds without having talk face to face

I have met people who on a relationship more than 10years before they enter the marriage phase

I have met people who married because of family, yet they always in love even after 30 years

and...

I have met people who in a relationship for more than 6 years, but then the love is not there anymore and end up, married to another person which theymet only for 2 weeks

and...

people asked me : do you do not want to get married?

please tell me, who doesn't?

but tell me... who are people that willing to have a partner that cannot communjcate like normal? some even thing that it is embarrassing moment to have me within their circle.

so,

here I am... living the moment. because the longest does not mean happiness. the shortest also does not always means harm. but, everything can be valued as long as you're happy and grateful to enjoy the moments

#myrantoftodaysinceIhavegotthatstupidquestion
#adaytorant

jangan risau

Aku: "Mak, saya dah umur 27 tahun ni. Tak kahwin2 lagi."

Mak: "Rilek."

Aku: "Nak rilek camana lagi. Dah lebih usia. Dah expired."

Mak: "Rilek."

Aku: "Dulu masa saya umur lepas SPM sampailah 27, orang asyik tanya, 'BILA NAK KAHWIN?'

Sekarang, orang duk tanya

'PASAL APA TAK KAHWIN LAGI? BILA NAK KAHWIN?'

Sedih."

Mak: "Kamu dah usaha sedaya upaya kan? Bukan tak pernah approach, bukan tak pernah menerima, bukannya tak pernah ada orang suka dan tolak, kan?"

Aku: "Ya, mak."

Mak: "Boleh tak kita paksa biji durian yang kita baru tanam hari ini, terus berbuah hari ini?"

Aku: "Tak boleh."

Mak: "Jodoh pun macam tu lah. Kita memang nak cepat. Tapi, takdir Allah dan sunnatullah itu kita tak mampu paksa. Kita siapa nak paksa Allah? Kita cuma ada kudrat doa dan minta dengan baik dari-Nya."

menitis air mata aku... Sedih. Dah lama sebak terpendam dalam hati. Orang sekeliling yang bertanya tak pernah faham, betapa pilunya hati orang yang ditanya. Orang tak mengerti, bukan tak mahu. Tapi, dah tersurat begitu.

Mak mencapai tangan aku..

Mak: "Andai tiada jodoh di dunia sekalipun, jangan bersedih. Di akhirat pasti ada."

Aku: "Mana mak tahu ada? Yang saya tahu, orang yang dah kahwin saja dapat bersama pasangan di Syurga."

Mak: "Siapa yang ciptakan suami di dunia?"

Aku: "Allah."

Mak: "Siapa yang mampu ciptakan suami di akhirat?"

Aku: "Allah."

Mak: "Diedarkan kepada mereka piring-piring dari emas, dan piala-piala dan di dalam syurga itu terdapat segala apa yang diingini oleh hati dan sedap dipandang mata dan kamu kekal di dalamnya."

Aku: "Kata-kata siapa itu, mak?"

Mak: "Allah yang berfirman dalam Surah al-Zukhruf ayat 71. Ada lagi yang Allah janjikan sebagaimana dalam Surah Fussilat ayat 31,

'..Kamilah Pelindung-pelindungmu dalam kehidupan dunia dan di akhirat; di dalamnya kamu memperoleh apa yang kamu inginkan dan memperoleh (pula) di dalamnya apa yang kamu minta..”

Maksudnya, kalau kamu inginkan suami, insya-Allah kamu dapat suami di Syurga.

Apa yang mustahil bagi Allah? Tidak ada!"

Aku mengelap air mata yang mengalir..

Aku: "Tapi, orang duk kata kat saya tak laku. Buruk. Hodoh. Memilih. Demand."

Mak: "Biaq pi. Biarlah tak laku di dunia, tapi laris di akhirat.

Ingat apa Allah kata,

“Janganlah kamu merasa hina dan janganlah kamu merasa sedih kerana sesungguhnya kedudukan kamu lebih tinggi (mulia) jika kamu beriman” (Ali-Imran : 139).

Single ke, kahwin ke, tapi kalau taqwa dan iman tak berubah duk takuk lama tu jugak, tak guna gak.

Jadilah full-time muslimah.

'Fasobrun Jamiiil'. Sabarlah dengan seindah-indah kesabaran. Jodoh yang indah datang dari kesabaran yang indah.

#cp  :HERE

#MYsavefood

Currently on going project.

Date : 15-17 May 2019
Location : Bazar Ramadan



*today my interview for contract post in my current company. pray for me....

again...

"tak rasa ke yang awak ni tak layak masuk kelas depan. awak ni dapat kelas depan atas sebab simpati. not because of your truly talent/qualifications" - aunty, 2006

"awak ni kena kerja makmal, yang tak memerlukan awak banyak bercakap" - guru bahasa melayu, 2009

"awak ni takperlu bercakap. bagi orang lain yang bercakap. awak duduk je" - lecturer, 2012

"awak tak rasa ke awak salah pilih course?" "kenapa pula?"
"ye la.   awak kena bercakap.   awak sedar tak kekurangan awak tu?" - teacher, 2014

*jawab telefon*
"hello, ____  nak bercakap dengan siapa ye?"
"takperlulah bergurau. cakap elok-elok la"
"saya zana. kenapa ye"
"adik, maaf. akak ingat bergurau. maaf ye"
-kawan sekerja, 2019

##

sampai satu saat,
kau rasa letih, penat
dan.....
kau rasa dah tak larat nak hadap dah

bukan seorang dua. keluarga yang selalu jumpa pun selalu persoalkan.

dan. 
sebab ini juga insecure tahap giga.
sebab, terfikir macam mana insan yang takpernah berjumpa terdetik nak bercinta.
kadang rasa pity relationship pun ada. mana ada orang nak berkawan dengan aku ni. hebat kalau yang ada rupa, ada kedudukan nak berkawan.


bukan letakkan tahap diri terlalu rendah. tapi, terlalu ramai yang persoalkan kelayakan diri. kemampuan diri.

mungkin kata kalau cinta, manakan ada kekurangan. tapi, dah acapkali disajikan betapa kekurangan diri dijadikan perdebatan, ungkitan.

sungguh. lelah. penat sangat.

Kursus luar pertama sebagai pekerja

Date: 24-26 April 2019

Place :Cameron Highland, Pahang

Live in the moment. Breathe. Till next time. 

i believe

i believe that everything happen for a reason

i believe that everything that happen is within one's capability

oh....

yes, there is times where I asked God "why? why me? is this my punishment? why?"

but again, 

my mom used to make me wonder by saying this : "never asked why.   but simply ask what...what make you keep breathing? what make you smile? what make you take one step at one time?"

one step at one time. find something that make you grateful  keep breathing. you have done something beautiful in other people's life without you realise it. 

i'm still here and still breathing. fake it till you make it 

hide and seek

Spend all my life with you on my mind,
The one I need to find, I’m an unlucky lover but I can’t explain why.
It’s like nobody’s right, it’s always the time
But I’d search to the end of the world if I can make you mine.

I close my eyes and count to ten,
And you can run and hide, you can run and hide.
And even if we’ve never met,
I can find your love, yeah, I will find your love

Till then we’re playing hide and seek
I’m running and running,
Running till I fall in suddenly
In love with you.

I’ve been waiting for you,
So come find me,
You’re the one that I want,
The one that I need,
So until then we’re playing hide and seek.

Where have you been all of my life?
You know I’ve been searching,
I’ve been searching day and night.
Why is my heart turning for you?
Cause this is more than the truth, more than the truth,
Yeah, this is me and you.

I close my eyes and count to ten,
And you can run and hide, you can run and hide.
And even if we’ve never met,
I can find your love, yeah, I will find your love

Till then we’re playing hide and seek
I’m running and running,
Running till I fall in suddenly
In love with you.

I’ve been waiting for you,
So come find me,
You’re the one that I want,
The one that I need,
So until then we’re playing hide and seek.

I’m searching for you,
I knew I love you before I met you, baby.
I’m searching for you,
And every day without you is driving me crazy.
I’m searching for you,
I knew I love you before I met you, baby.
I’m searching for you

Till then we’re playing hide and seek
I’m running and running,
Running till I fall in suddenly
In love with you.

I’ve been waiting for you,
So come find me,
You’re the one that I want,
The one that I need,
So until then we’re playing hide and seek.

almost 2 years.
memories slowly vanished
only pictures as company
as reminders what, who are once is there

miss you.
damn much

there is a day
when I looked back, I cry hard.
I failed. I'm a coward..
but there is no turning back,, right?

there is a day
I wished that we can get through those together without being far apart from each other
but then.   it just a wish that can't be done 

for now
I will keep moving forward even there is a time I stop. breathe. because too much to bear too much to return back.

hopefully, we can meet in a better place  time and situation.. just because.

I try but still not enough

"Have you tried hard?"
"I tried...maybe not hard enough"
"Do you regret that you dont try hard enough?"
"Yes. but... I just hope that I dont hurt him anymore. Rasa macam....tahu tak rasa macam ada je kurang. imperfect. I know everyone is not perfect. but, you cant deny that he deserved better. not someone who unable to let him know that I love too much sampaikan rasa dia lebih layak dapat yang sekufu dengan dia, selayaknya dengan dia."
"Apa dia kata?"
"I dont know.Coz me being coward, leave without explaining anything"
"You're cruel."

###

kalau sayang itu yang dikatakan kejam. siapalah untuk menidakkan.
memang kejam pun. pergi tanpa kata. senyap begitu saja.

tapi

kekurangan diri...apatah lagi bila di'persembah'kan dengan cakap - cakap orang, bukan orang lain...orang yang dikenali, rapat,bahkan keluarga jauh sekali sekala jumpa pun kekadang pandang mudah, memperlekehkan...sampaikan terfikir : di mana istimewanya diri untuk diberikan cinta sebegitu.

maka, immature decision but cruel is done. too much insecurity that have been developed. try not to be that kind of woman. yet, here we are.


sorry for being too insecure. sorry for being cruel. maybe you deserve much more than I can do for you.